7-7-85 Sunday. If some or all of my journal entries appear to be polished, it’s because they are. I compose them on the [Kaypro II] computer, and after I’ve drafted the original version, I go back and reread what I’ve written. At that point I make changes, including additions and deletions of words, the correction of spelling errors, and stylistic modifications. By the time the text is printed out, it has been read and worked on at least twice, and sometimes as many as three times. That gives me an edge of sorts over other journal writers, who must be content with the first version of what they write. John Adams [1735-1826], for instance, would probably have said things differently in his journal if he had had a computer at hand. Ah, modern technology. It is at once frustrating and rewarding. I’m glad to have such a writing “assistant” as this computer at my disposal.
I had to laugh at myself yesterday. There I was, walking to the Circle K store with my headphones on, listening to Queen’s Hot Space [1982] on my Walkman cassette player, and here’s what I was thinking: that I am an “accomplished” person. Although I look just like any other young person on the street (I thought), I’m in reality special. I’m an attorney, an intellectual, and a morally conscious person. At that point in my thought process, I “got out of myself,” figuratively speaking, and examined this person doing the thinking. What a laugh! In reality, I’m as caught up in the trials and tribulations of life as anyone else. I like to think that I’m different, that I understand more about the world than other people, that I don’t suffer from the pains and anxieties of other people, that I don’t have the same needs, drives, and desires as other people. But actually I’m just one of countless faces in this city, state, nation, and world. Briefly put, I delude myself into thinking that I’m special. It’s a satisfying belief, to be sure, and one that, if unquestioned, could lead to problems in interpersonal relationships. In my case, however, I’m self-deprecating enough to realize what I’m doing. I’m a walking laugh riot sometimes. I just love examining my beliefs and attitudes. [As Socrates reputedly said, “The unexamined life is not worth living.”]
I have an interesting hypothesis concerning George Armstrong Custer [1839-1876]. Apparently, Custer had political aspirations, and wanted to be President of the United States one day. If this is true, then he had an additional motive besides glory-seeking for attacking the Sioux and Cheyenne Indians when and where he did. The Fourth of July, and with it the centennial of the signing of the Declaration of Independence, was only nine days away when Custer made his famous “last stand” at the Little Bighorn [on 25 June 1876]. It may have been that Custer was reasoning as follows: “If I can just whip these Indians in the next few days, news of my glorious victory will reach Washington in time for the centennial celebrations, and my name will become a household word. Thereafter, I will be a shoo-in for any political office in the land, including President of the United States.” Farfetched, you say? Well, think about it. Given Custer’s political aspirations, it made perfectly good sense for him to try to do something important—indeed, historical—at the precise time and place that he did. I am not aware of any other speculation on this matter, and I thought of it only when I realized that Custer fell just nine days short of living through the nation’s centennial. It’s an interesting hypothesis, if ultimately false. [Robert M. Utley knows as much about Custer as anyone. Here is what he wrote in his 1988 biography of Custer: “Swing clear of Terry he [Custer] did, and detractors have accused him of rushing headlong into battle in order to win a great victory for himself, and himself alone, that would wipe out the degradation to which President [Ulysses] Grant had subjected him. Some go even further and charge him with presidential ambitions. A battlefield triumph, runs the theory, might stampede the Democratic convention, meeting in Saint Louis in June, into nominating him for the presidency. The only evidence for this assumption is the recollection of an Arikara Indian scout thirty-seven years later. On the eve of departure from Fort Lincoln, recalled the Indian, Custer had told the scouts, through an interpreter, that a victory over the Sioux would make him their Great Father in Washington.” Robert M. Utley, Cavalier in Buckskin: George Armstrong Custer and the Western Military Frontier (Norman and London: University of Oklahoma Press, 1988), 163-4. I should point out that Utley does not endorse the theory. He says that it “demands more weighty evidence than supplied by the Arikara scout.” Ibid., 164.]
One thing that I like about my job as an attorney, vis-à-vis my job as teaching assistant and student, is its relatively clear separation of work and leisure. When school is in session, I cannot escape the feeling that there is work going undone. If I’m not reading, writing, or researching, I feel guilty, and that detracts from my other activities. But these days I don’t feel any guilt at all. There is nothing—really, nothing—that I can be doing, right now, for work. So I can concentrate on other things, such as bike riding, music, and reading. When I leave the office at five o’clock each day, I know that I won’t have to think about the law for another fifteen hours. That was not true while I was a student. Perhaps by August, however, I’ll be ready for some more “guilt.” It has become a regular part of my life.
Today being Sunday, I rode my bike (42.2 miles). The temperature reached into the hundreds again (108 degrees [Fahrenheit], to be exact), but the humidity is still low enough to permit easy evaporation of sweat from my skin. That, in turn, serves to cool me down. I went to Colossal Cave for the fifth consecutive week, and have now ridden 450 miles in 1985. And get this: For the fourth straight week I improved upon my gross average speed. Last week, I averaged 11.05 miles per hour, while today I averaged 11.77 miles per hour. That’s my best gross average speed in 1985. How do I account for it, you ask? Well, my legs are getting progressively stronger, which permits me to pedal harder and longer; but I also remained for less time at each of my stops. At the cave itself, I remained for only five minutes—just long enough to refill my water bottle, replace a tape in my Walkman cassette player, and clean my glasses (they get sweaty in a hurry on days like this). I made especially good progress on the return trip, with the wind at my back. I thoroughly enjoy these weekly rides. [I must have. I haven’t stopped doing them in 20 years! Since September 1989, I’ve done 357 bike rallies.]
One thing that I particularly enjoy about riding, and this may disgust you (the reader), is that it gives me a chance to get “low, down, and dirty.” What do I mean by that? Well, for one thing, it permits me to sweat like a pig (sorry, pigs) and not worry about soiling my clothes or offending people with the odor. I also spit regularly and blow my nose with my bare hand. [I now carry a handkerchief in my jersey. Back then, I rode shirtless.] Second, it permits me to become temporarily oblivious to other people. While I’m riding, I’m in another world—a world of music, emotions, and physical rhythm. Sometimes I get strange looks from passersby in automobiles, but that’s OK. They don’t have to look at me swinging my head to the music if they don’t like it, and nobody said that they have to feel sorry for me. I enjoy getting out into the heat and working my butt off for a few hours. Take your air-conditioned cars, people; I don’t want them. I want nature, the great outdoors, an afternoon in the sun. Hmm. “Low, down, and dirty.” That about sums up these Sunday afternoon jaunts to Colossal Cave.
Thus ends another weekend. I’m about to watch the evening news and grab something to eat (probably a tuna sandwich and bowl of chicken broth), and tomorrow I begin my second week as a practicing attorney. It’ll be a full five days this time. Incidentally, I didn’t do any reading this weekend (aside from newspapers), and my writing was confined to journal entries; but I’m determined to avoid feeling guilty. This is supposed to be the fun time of year for me, so I’m going to have fun if it kills me. (Don’t you just love that one?)